I'm not afraid anymore

I've just realized it. Just now.

I've been sitting here at my computer, attempting to design a stunning website for a client, listening to my two little girls (ages 4 and 6) playing in the living room next to me.

They were playing 'Getting Married'. This entails pretending to put make up on, going dancing and finding a husband. They ask the imaginary men if they think they're pretty. They decide if they like the imaginary guy and then run off with a towel over their hair for an impromptu wedding in the entry way.

I sat here, looking out the window laughing at them.

I just smiled and laughed and tried to watch them without being caught, because that would end the game, of course.

See, several years ago, I would have stopped the game.  I would have told them that they shouldn't be thinking about getting married... you're just little girls, right?! This is a very serious thing.  I would have asked them why they were worried if a guy thought they were pretty. Inner beauty is much more important. And, it takes a long time to find a husband. This just isn't something we play at, girls.


(I'll pause here while you laugh at me...)

But, that was several years ago.

Because I was paranoid.

I've always had an overwhelming desire to have what is good for my children. I want them to be Catholic, moral, holy, discerning.  I want them to choose good spouses. I want them to go to heaven. And, I guess in my ignorance as a young mother, I thought I could 'force' those things by creating a certain environment. By reading only certain books, watching only certain kinds of shows, by playing only certain kinds of games. More impressively, by what we wouldn't do.  What we wouldn't hear, see, discuss or pretend. If I guarded them against anything and everything that could possible open a path to something wayward, then nothing bad could ever happen, right? I could control it. Yes.

I needed to control because I was so afraid. Afraid that they'd be like me. That they'd make stupid decisions. That they'd get hurt and hurt others. That they'd be selfish and worldly and not listen to the Lord speaking in their hearts. Goodness sake, I can't have THAT. None of it. They'd be lost forever. And what would my friends think?

Then, at Easter Vigil this year, I realized something big. Big for me, at least. God got me anyway. Despite myself. Despite my weaknesses (of which there are many), despite my insecurities and obsessions. Despite my temptations, my past, my worldliness. He caught me and let me fall in love with his Church. If He can do that for me, with no lectures or cautionary tales before each life decision, then He can do that for others, surely?

And then, something else has helped. Having older children. I see in them a heart and a conscience that I could not have molded. I see them making choices that impress me. I see them wondering about people and how they act. I see them discussing the Church and her teachings and seeing the bigger picture behind them. I see them choosing friends that are children I admire greatly. I see them naturally seeking the good and turning away from the bad. And this gives me great hope.

Don't worry. I'm not walking away. I'll still fret, I'm sure. I'll still pray for them. I'll still teach our Faith and discuss life with them. But, not out of fear.  Rather, I'll do all these things out of hope. Because I know it's true and good. I see their little souls leaning toward the truth like my houseplant that leans awkwardly toward the window in the kitchen. It'll do anything for a little light.

If He can catch me, He can catch just about anyone. I'm not afraid.

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a Holy Thursday that feels like any other day.

I suffer from the torment of high expectations.

I woke up this morning, Holy Thursday morning, knowing that it is my favorite feast. Knowing that it is filled with stunning memories of my conversion, of special friends, of wafts of overwhelming incense, of priests laying themselves on the carpet before the altar, of walking through the dark in procession singing ancient hymns, of hours kneeling on a linoleum floor praying late into the night in front of the Real Presence with tears running down my face.

And I rolled over and put 15 more minutes on my alarm. Just didn't want to do it today. I alternated through breakfast with my four children, "It's Holy Thursday, the day Jesus created the Mass!" with "If you don't like Cinnamon Life cereal then you just aren't a very thankful kid. Maybe you can make breakfast next week for everyone!"

Such loveliness coming out of me.

on this day.

that I love so much.

I took my older kids to school and came home and sat in the red chair in the living room and watched my 4 year old peruse a picture book Can You Find Jesus? A holy derivation of Where's Waldo.

And I thought that was pretty amusing.

I looked at her young face, her smooth round cheeks and the curl of her blond hair under her chin. The way her eyes searched the page, so blue and big. Her almost red eyelashes. Such beauty. And I was filled with this overpowering love. I so want to do right by her. Please, Lord.

So what is wrong with me, where my memories and aspirations have to scale this colossal wall of my stubbornness? I cannot get there. To that place where I can sit back and sigh with joy that I'm finally "doing it right". I feel the disadvantage of being a convert, of not having these traditions ingrained in me. Of my laziness, maybe.  I feel completely inadequate. What does He think He's doing, giving these four kids to me?

Then, I wonder, were those days I remember really that stunning in real time? Or, was it only later that I recall their significance? Can I really create or fabricate that, or is just all a gift?

Am I just coming up with excuses?

Can Jesus overcome me today, undo my mistakes, and make His impact. Is it enough for me to rely on the Church to do this job? It has for so many generations. The Church did it for me. The Church alone. I had no one hovering over me, pointing me, reminding me, redirecting me. I had the Church, the priests, the Mass, the Triduum.

I pray for my children. Maybe that is all I can do today. I do not feel inspiring. I do not have any touching crafts up my sleeve. I do not have a homemade Seder meal ready in the fridge. Maybe next year. There's always next year, right?

This year I will just love. I will pray. I will take them to live with the Church these three Holy Days. And, I hope, someday when they look back, they will have found Jesus, right here in the midst of all my sloppiness.

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Great Books for Children

UPDATED 4/27/12

I’ve compiled a list of our favorite children’s books. This list is for a true reader. I have not included any little children's books or beginner reader books. There are just so many fabulous books out there, so I stayed in the land that I know well – Children’s Literature 2nd – 11th  grade (give or take). I haven't had time to organize the books by order of difficulty.

Here are a few tips to help grow fervent readers:

• Make them read books! Turn off the TV. Have a set “reading time” during the day.
• Have them see you read. A lot.
• Talk about books that you love.
• Talk about your memories of books - who gave them to you, the first book you loved, what books your teachers read to you, etc...
• Go to book stores.
• Meet an author.
• Read aloud to your children. Even the older ones.
• Give them books to read of your choosing. For my older children, we take turns. A book that they choose and then a book that I choose. That’s just the way it is, and they know there's no getting around it. But, soon they realize that Mom's books aren't really all that bad! :) And, the books that they choose do have to be approved.
• Make them re-read books a year or two later. It’s amazing how a book a child thinks is unimpressive or boring one year can be a life-changing experience 2 years later.  Don’t feel bad about pulling out old books from the shelf and having them re-read. There’s something very comforting about reading a book that you ‘know’.
• Read children’s literature yourself so that you know what is out there and what will touch their hearts. And, face it, most common adult books are written on a grade school reading level anyway, so you don’t have to feel that your belittling yourself by reading children’s literature!
• Start a book club. I’ve always wanted to do this... over the summer with a few girls and/or boys.
• Don’t be a slave to A/R reading lists. They’re nice motivation. Points and prizes are great. But, if the book selection is poor, as it often is, let it go. Get a good book list and head to the library. I gave myself a lot of freedom when I abandoned the A/R lists.

These lists are divided up into a few categories. Classics, Series, Favorites, Emelie’s Recommendations (6th grader with a 12 + reading level) and Jonathan’s Recommendations (4th grader with a 8th grade reading level). Then, I give you some of my favorite book lists, so you can do even more research if you'd like.

We love all of these books, but have marked a few for you:
*  Great Family Read-Aloud Books
** Lauren’s Favorites

Classics:
Betsy-Tacy Series - Maud Heart Lovelace
Anne of Green Gables Series - L.M. Montgomery
Little Women - Louisa May Alcott
The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
An Old Fashioned Girl - Louisa May Alcott
Pollyanna - Eleanor Hodgman Porter
Heidi* ** - Johanna Spyri
Arabian Nights
The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew* - Margaret Sidney
The Little Princess* ** - Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Jungle Book – Rudyard Kipling
The Space Trilogy - C.S. Lewis

Series:
Anne of Green Gables ** – L.M Montgomery
Little House on the Prairie  **– Laura Ingalls Wilder
Little Women, Jo’s Boys, Little Men ** - Louisa May Alcott
The Borrowers – Mary Norton
Nancy Drew
Hardy Boys
The Chronicles of Narnia – C.S. Lewis
The Lord of the Rings – J.R.R. Tolkien         
All of a Kind Family – Sydney Taylor
The Box Car Children – Gertrude Chandler Warner
Trixie Belden – Jule Campbell
My Side of the Mountain Trilogy -  Jean Craighead George
Tomie De Paola Chapter Book Series.
Little Britches * - Ralph Moody
Wrinkle in Time Series – Madeleine L’Engle

Favorites:
Eight Cousins and it's sequel, Rose in Bloom ** – Lousia May Alcott
All Creatures Great and Small **- James Harriot
The Singing Tree - Kate Seredy
Adam of the Road - Elizabeth Janet Gray
Tom Sawyer - Mark Twain
Huckleberry Finn – Mark Twain
The Railway Children – E. Nesbit
Arabian Nights - Anonymous
Homesick ** – Jean Fritz
Where the Red Fern Grows – Wilson Rawls
Cheaper by the Dozen ** – Frank and Ernestine Gilbreth
Con of Misty Mountain – Mary Theresa Waggaman
Heidi * ** - Johanna Spyri
The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew * ** – Margaret Sydney
Turn Homeward, Hannalee – Patricia Beatty
The Westing Game - Ellen Raskin
Thimble Summer -  Elizabeth Enright
Gone Away Lake -  Elizabeth Enright
Sing Down the Moon - Scott O’Dell
Just David ** - Eleanor Porter
The Hobbit – J. R. R. Tolkien
Tomie de Paola Series
Pippi Longstocking – Astrid Lindgren
The Bronze Bow – Elizabeth George Speare
The Corn Grows Ripe – Dorothy Rhoads
The Good Master – Kate Seredy
Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry ** - Mildred Taylor
My Side of the Mountain - Jean Craighead George
Island of the Blue Dolphins **  - Scott O’Dell
The Endless Steppe  - Esther Rudomin Hautzig
Caddie Woodlawn – Carol Ryrie Brink
Sarah Plain and Tall – Patricia MacLachlan
Little House Series * (read aloud, especially Farmer Boy) – Laura Ingalls Wilder
Carry on Mr. Bowditch – Jean Lee Latham
A Lion to Guard Us * - Clyde Robert Bulla
The Courage of Sarah Noble -  Alice Dalgliesh
Sarah Whitcher's Story – Elizabeth Yates
The Borrowers  – Mary Norton
Julie of the Wolves – Jean Craighead George
The Indian in the Cupboard -  Lynne Reid Banks
The Sign of the Beaver ** – Elizabeth George Speare
Johnny Tremain – Esther Forbes
The Cabin Faced West ** - Jean Fritz
Walk the World's Rim – Betty Baker
Shiloh – Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Our Only May Amelia ** - Jennifer Holm
A String in the Harp – Nancy Bond
A Single Shard – Linda Sue Park
The Kitchen Madonna** - Rumer Godden
The Diddakoi (The Gypsy Girl)** - Rumer Godden
An Episode of Sparrows ** Rumer Godden
The Dolls' House - Rumer Godden.
The Winged Watchman * **  Hilda Van Stockum
The Borrowed House ** - Hilda Van Stockum
Little Britches: Father and I Were Ranchers ** * – Ralph Moody
Shadow Spinner (for olders girls) – Susan Fletcher
Island of the Blue Dolphins – Scott O’Dell
The Great Gilly Hopkins – Katherine Patterson
The Good Master – Kate Seredy
Just So Stories * Rudyard Kipling
The Incredible Journey * - Sheila Burnford
The Master Puppeteer ** (A Japanese Robinhood Story) – Katherine Patterson
Little Lord Fauntleroy - Frances Hodgson Burnett
Mrs. Mike** - Nancy and Benedict Freedman
Mama's Bank Account** - Kathryn Forbes

Emelie Recommends (with her own parental notes in parentheses):
From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankwielder -  E. L. Klonigsburg
Indian Captive  (Indians kill her family) – Lois Lowry
A Lion to Guard Us  - Clyde Robert Bulla
Watership Down ** (hard to read and some killing of rabbits)  - Richard Adams
A Single Shard – Linda Sue Park
The Endless Steppe  - Esther Rudomin Hautzig
Kira Kira (sister dies and she was really sweet) – Cynthia Kadohata
Walk Two Moons ** (book is about her mother leaving) – Sharon Creech            
Ruby Holler  - Sharon Creech
The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle # (murder mystery) - Avi
Eight Cousins ** – Louisa May Alcott
An Old Fashioned Girl ** – Louisa May Alcott
Secret Garden ** – Frances Hodgson Burnett
Matilda – Roald Dahl
Tale of Despereaux – Kate DiCamillo
Arabian Nights *
Around the World in 80 Days – Jules Verne
Journey to the Center of the Earth – Jules Verne
The Chronicles of Narnia Series – C.S. Lewis
A View From Saturday  - E.L. Klonisburg
Mara, Daughter of the Nile – Eloise J. McGraw
The Golden Goblet– Eloise J. McGraw

(The difficult thing about having advanced readers is finding challenging books that are appropriate for a younger child. That's where the classics will save you. There are so many wonderful, exciting classic stories out there that are on a challenging reading level. They may have been written 100 years ago, but no worries. They'll fall in love with timeless favorites!)

Jonathan Recommends:
The Trumpet of the Swan * - E. B. White
Along Came a Dog – Meindert DeJong
Twenty-One Balloons – William Penne Du Bois
The Borrowers Series *  - Mary Norton
The Phantom Tollbooth – Norton Juster
My Side of the Mountain * - Jean Craighead George
Shadrach – Meindert DeJong
Robinson Crusoe * – Daniel DeFoe
The Castle in the Attic – Elizabeth Winthrop
No Talking – Andrew Clements
White Fang – Jack London
Hardy Boys Series
Castle in the Attic and Battle of the Castle - Elizabeth Winthrop
The Adventures of TinTin
Robin Hood - Roger Lancelyn Green
(He really likes the Puffin Classics Series - has many of the books lined up neatly on his shelf.) 


Other Great Reading Lists, Articles and Links:

• My Pinterest Page on “Books That Formed Me”
• Satori Smiles Children's Literature List
• Great reading lists from KOR Education School:
• Recommended book websites from our school:
• Like Mother, Like Daughter's "What you need to teach a child to read" series of posts are so informative, funny and encouraging. Check it out.
• Another one from Like Mother, Like Daughter
• This list has been recommended numerous times: A Mother's List of Books costs just $7.25
• Ambleside book lists:
• Sonlight Readers (see list on right side of page) :
• Sonlight Read-Alouds (see list on right side of page) (these don't have to be read aloud, just check the reading levels. They have both a read-aloud level and a reading level posted for each book)
• List combines Sonlight and Well-Trained Mind:
• I love The Well-Trained Mind: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/
• Simcha Fisher's Post on 'Good Fiction for Young Adults'

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